Fatty McFatterson

Two days ago I reached what I hope will be the low point of the potty-training experience.

I had turned off my alarm in my sleep, so I woke up suddenly, threw on clothes and ran out the door. On my way out the door I noticed one of the cats had had an accident in the former litter box corner, but I was already late and taking the time to clean it up would result in me missing the next bus.

I flew out the door and had a disastrous day at work followed by a work happy hour where everyone left early, so another attorney and I chugged two beers and caught the bus home. Now the problem with chugging two beers and leaving is that by the time I got home I really needed to pee. And so I ran from the bus stop to my front door, bolted up the stairs and made it to my bathroom. Just to discover that though one of my cats had used the toilet-box, the other had pooed in front of the toilet in a fit of passive aggressive angst.

And so I took the longest pee of my life almost in tears looking at the disaster that had become my bathroom. It was time to end the experiment, this was too much.

At that moment Bear paraded back and forth past the door to the bathroom. Bear with his fat body and tiny head. Except his tiny head was stuck in a pink bag of cat treats that he had stolen from my cupboard. After a couple blind turns he stumbled into the door frame, dislodging the pink bag and causing the last few treats to hit the ground. He pounced on them eagerly, as though he hadn't eaten in days.

This is why his nickname is Fatty McFatterson. Or Sir Chubby von Weighsalot.

So I cleaned up their mess and decided to wait one more week, at least until next Friday when I leave for my company retreat.

Descent into Madness

My cats are taunting me.

For two days, there were no accidents. It was fantastic. I was so excited! Soon I would be able to commence the actual cat potty training. It was finally happening! I imagined a future with no litter box. I imagined my cats using the toilet like humans (I need better fantasies, I know this.)

And then one of them had another accident. On the bathroom floor. What a jerk!

And the countdown is restarted. One more week. 7 more days.

How hard is it to not poop on the floor for 7 days! I mean.. all you have to do is repeatedly not poop on the bathroom floor.

Oh well... wish me luck!

Accidents

I am starting to question the wisdom of this plan.

I have to wait one week after the cats stop having accidents before I can take the first hole out of the training tray. But Toby insists on going to the bathroom in the corner where the litter box used to be.

And last night the cats pulled the bag of litter over and created their own litter box on the floor. My cats are nasty.

Fortunately today they've been too lazy to have any more accidents.

And now for your enjoyment, pictures of Bear scratching random things and covering my bathroom with litter.

The Invention of Shame

My cats do not like to be interrupted when they are using the toilet litter-box. With their real litter box they had no shame... just plopping down no matter who was around and doing their business so everyone could see. But somehow the transition to the toilet has taught them shame.

If I walk in to the bathroom while one of them is on the toilet he'll pretend he wasn't doing anything... just scratch around for a minute and then hop off.

They have also become possessive of the toilet. They seem offended if any humans want to use it, and watch that person wide-eyed until they get kicked out of the bathroom.

My cats have issues...

Day 2

The cats seem to have learned how to use the toilet-litter box. But Toby's recent on purpose "accident" has me worried. Last night I had several nightmares about my cats doing gross things in inappropriate places. However, this morning I woke up and they had both used the toilet-box AND not thrown litter everywhere.

Also, I have discovered a new potential issue. Bear's 20 minutes of "covering" involve him twisting back and forth, scratching various things in my bathroom. For example, the toilet seat and lid, the wall next to the toilet, my bathtub, my shower curtain, the toilet paper holder, etc. And Bear has no balance. None. In this process I watched him fall off the toilet. Twice. Both times he got back up and kept scratching. I'm pretty sure if I succeed in toilet training him he's going to fall into the toilet frequently.

The Aftermath

Last night at 3:00am Toby woke me up, apparently to inform me he had pooped on a pillow.

Thanks Toby.

Bear had figured out the new toilet-litter box. However, since the pan is so shallow, and since Bear spends an average of 20 minutes "covering" his poo, I woke up to a bathroom covered in poo and Swheat Scoop brand litter.

Awesome. Even when they do it right it's gross.

The Set-Up

One night at beer tasting party, a friend of a friend pulled out her iphone and we all crowded around to watch a video of her cat pooping in a toilet. I do not know what prompted her to show this video. I'm pretty sure that there's something about having a cat that uses the toilet that makes you want to share videos of the cat's bowel movements with near strangers. But there we were. 12 of us. Watching her cat poo.

My first thought was... there is something seriously wrong with us. My second thought was... I wonder if I can teach my cats to do this. So I went online and bought the stuff. And then spent two weeks coming to terms with the idea of sharing a toilet with two cats. And now I am ready to begin the experiment.

Now according the the cat potty training system I'm using, training a cat to use the toilet consists of turning your toilet into a litter box and then once a week removing a section from the middle of the "litter box" so that they gradually adjust to using the toilet. This is the pan:

I think if I designed it I would make the holes a little rounder. This pan seems awkwardly suggestive.

The process requires flushable litter, so I went to a neighborhood store and got Swheat Scoop (a wheat based cat litter).

This may have been a mistake as when I poured it into the pan, Bear started to eat it.

Seriously... my cat tried to eat the litter.

The Subjects of My Experiment

To fully appreciate the risk I am taking in toilet training my cats, it's important to know a few things about them.

1) They eat everything, especially carbs. When they were kittens they stole half a baguette of Semifreddi's french bread and hid it in an empty room for two weeks.
2) They're not that bright.
3) They each create more waste than dogs twice their size.
4) They spend an average of 20 minutes a day scratching the side of the litter box "covering" that waste.



Bear is the fat one. Also the dumb one. He fell out a window when he was a kitten, and hasn't been right ever since.







Toby is slightly more intelligent, though significantly more passive aggressive and angsty.

The Back Story

Two and a half years ago I decided to adopt two kittens. Well, I decided to adopt one, but somehow I got talked into taking two.

This should not have been a big deal, not only did I have two roommates to help me take care of them, I had grown up in the country and my family never had fewer than three cats and two dogs at any given time. But there is a serious difference between country cats and city cats. Country cats poo outside... city cats do their business in your home. Frequently. And excessively. And then when they are done, they kick litter everywhere.

Now, two and a half years after adopting the kittens I am living on my own, working long days, and a slave to their bathroom habits.

And so I have decided to take my life back.

I am toilet training my cats.